September 26th

Her children arise and call her blessed: her husband also, and he praises her.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Proverbs 31: 28-29

Living in Hungary now is strange for a million reasons, but one of them is that no one here knows my family personally. What is even stranger is being in a place where no one knew my previous life when my mom was still alive. And how can I ever describe her?  I can never fully capture or explain how extraordinary she was using words...

  Her death changed everything for my life and for our entire family.  I feel like a completely different person before and after her death.  Those of you who have grieved deeply know about this before and after.  An identity shift occurs when you lose an irreplaceable part of your life.  I am still getting to know the new me even 4 years later and sometimes I don't recognize my own life (especially the part where God called me to serve Him overseas)!

My heart was broken into pieces on October 4, 2012 when my mom had an unexpected stroke and never woke up.  Initially I thought if I prayed enough and tried hard enough, God could put my heart back together.  But on this side of heaven, it remains broken and I believe it always will be. I hope it makes me more sensitive and tender-hearted towards others who are suffering.  I know God has used her death to completely change my faith in Him. This quote helped me realize the true meaning of "sorrowful yet always rejoicing" (1 Corinthians 6:10).  

“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve — even in pain — the authentic relationship. Furthermore, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The emptiness and the torment of memory is very real.  On one hand, I am grateful for the 29 years of precious memories with my mom. On the other, I long for the day when time has dulled the vivid memories of my mom's death and the reality of what our has family endured.  On the inside, I am still a little girl with a broken heart, missing a mother who is not coming back.  I dream of my childhood home and wake up sorrowful.  I know that part of my life is over, and will never be again. 

"But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy." Gratitude changes everything.  Gratitude for the gift of my mom has helped me choose joy even when it's hard.  I rejoice that she is still my mom and her death does not change that.  I rejoice that she is in heaven forever with the Lord and I will join her there someday! 

One thing is for sure: the love of my mother and the relationship we shared is truly a hidden treasure of which I can always be certain.  I have no idea how to explain how I feel loved by her when she is at home with the Lord and I am here on earth?  The distance between heaven and earth is surely not as far as we think.  I carry her love in my heart, every moment of every single day. It has become a silent joy, which means more than ever now that I am over 5,000 miles from Texas!  

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me today, and all those who continue to celebrate my mom's life with us, joyfully giving thanks for the gift that she was and continues to be! 

1983 ~ My first Christmas morning, Atascocita, Texas